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Filmmaker Daphne Yeager Ostendorf deals with the loss of her daughter and husband through a stirring documentary about enduring love and processing grief.
By Lianna Albrizio
See the documentary Keeping Olivia as part of Documentary Day on February 18 @4:25PM at Cinema Village (22 East 12th Street) as part of New York City’s 11th Annual Winter Film Awards International Film Festival. Tickets now on sale!
For Daphne Ostendorf, grief is not linear. And to the mother of three who lost both her husband, Holger, and youngest child Olivia, there was only way to process it: making a movie. “Film helped me put images together first in order to understand my emotions somehow,” said Ostendorf.
While the adage insists “health is wealth,” Ostendorf challenges that, philosophizing that pain and trauma are essential to build character and food for the soul. “There is a quote from Erich Fromm that translates roughly, ‘The sick are healthy and the healthy are sick.’ I feel this is often true because those who really go through hardship (all sorts), trauma and sickness are more in in touch with being human than those who have not experienced hardship and have been ‘healthy’ all their lives,” she said.
“I like to attack taboo subjects! I think that being uncomfortable is a good thing and the only way we can get closer to having a more mentally balanced society is to dig deeper into trauma of all kinds so we can make the human existence more positive. It was not easy making this film. The best word is ‘Ausdauer,’ which means endurance but sounds better in German. Endurance meaning, to go up, down and especially backwards.”
In the beginning of the documentary, aptly called Keeping Olivia, it starts with a blonde-haired cherub, laughing easily, her blue eyes squinting with the crack of a wide smile as her mother asks her who the strongest person in the world is. It is, of course, Olivia, who is afflicted with childhood cancer. While its typically the parents’ job to be strong for their kids, Ostendorf says her children are the source of her greatest strength.
Because she could not verbalize her hurt feelings, piecing together this passion project of a documentary helped Ostendorf come to terms with the losses, however “weird” the experience was. The positive feedback from viewers provided the comfort of validation. “This film has taught me to be more confident in expressing my weird, and at times, off the wall voice, despite what anyone might think or say,” she said. This has been empowering not worrying all the time about what everyone is thinking. There is a definite need out there for this space. I’ve heard the most beautiful stories not about death, but about life!”
While her daughter has passed, Ostendorf brought a new life into the world, her “baby” as she likes to call it, Keeping Olivia. It tells the story of her daughter, an adorable little girl her mother described as precocious and a free-spirit. A spontaneous girl who was wise beyond her years, she lived to embrace each day. Though a cancer diagnosis made her feel more grown up, the disease didn’t rob her from being a kid. Even with a catheter in her chest, she still rollerbladed, jumped merrily on beds and attended school. She laughed till she cried and loved being the center of attention just like any other kid would. While no mother likes witnessing their kid’s hair falling out, Olivia was strong enough to tell her mother “It’s OK.” And, it was in a magical world of Barbie dolls that her daughter endured her strife.
“Her Barbies symbolized her imaginary world, a positive aspect of Oli,” said Ostendorf. “She processed a lot of her cancer-world experiences with them and created her own healthy place with these Barbies. They were totally played with, half-naked, hair often cut— even cut all the way off—arms missing on some of the men. I think she was always a bit harder on the male Barbies for some reason. They were perfectly imperfect!”
The dolls also held a personal significant personal for mom, as they reminded her when she was that age. “Subconsciously, I might have picked them up also because I played with Barbies myself as a kid, especially when I was dealing with trauma from my own family,” said Ostendorf. “It was my go-to dream world where I could control and create a safe, real and magical place. Barbies could even fly. I thought I could fly, too. I took the Barbies with me, thinking that I could leave them in a magical place. On the contrary, I couldn’t let them go.”
When she wasn’t getting chemotherapy treatments at the children’s hospital in Genova, Italy, Olivia, like any child, loved the beach. During a trip to visit a fisherman, she relished in touching all the squid, octopus and fish. And, at dusk, strolling an empty, breezing beach with her mother, they’d draw hearts in the sand.
Piecing the documentary together gave Ostendorf ideas to aid in the grieving process. “I had always wanted to take all three kids back to the pacific, where I come from,” she explained. “For this reason, I chose to take Olivia’s blood there from one of her blood tests that they never took. I had this vial, and I felt if I had to let something go, it would be beautiful to do this in the pacific and also the beach where she was at peace.”
Lianna Albrizio
Lianna Albrizio is a seasoned journalist and editor passionate about covering all facets of the arts from film to books, music and food. She loves interviewing people and spreading the word about their amazing work for all to enjoy.
About Winter Film Awards
New York City’s 11th Annual Winter Film Awards International Film Festival runs February 16-25 2023. Check out a jam-packed lineup of 73 fantastic films in all genres from 21 countries, including shorts, features, Animation, Drama, Comedy, Thriller, Horror, Documentary and Music Video. Hollywood might ignore women and people of color, but Winter Film Awards celebrates everyone!
Winter Film Awards is an all-volunteer, minority and women-owned registered 501(c)3 non-profit organization founded in 2011 in New York City by a group of filmmakers and enthusiasts. Our mission is to promote diversity, bridge the opportunity divide and provide a platform for under-represented artists and a variety of genres, viewpoints and approaches. We believe that only by seeing others’ stories can we understand each other and only via an open door can the underrepresented artist enter the room.
Winter Film Awards programs are supported, in part, by public funds from the New York City Department of Cultural Affairs in partnership with the City Council and are made possible by the New York State Council on the Arts with the support of the Office of the Governor and the New York State Legislature. Promotional support provided by the NYC Mayor’s Office of Media & Entertainment.
For more information about the Festival, please visit winterfilmawards.com
